Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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