great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
