your parents love me but you hate me
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
