My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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