i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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