Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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