how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
