she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
