Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You may now shotgun with the bride
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
