Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
