I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
