Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
