I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
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