Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
