I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
