let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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