I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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