Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
