Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
