Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
