roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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