Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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