dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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