If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We had to coat check the pizza.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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