I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
