Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
