Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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