When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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