I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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