someone get that fucking seahorse.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
