Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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