I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
so explain again why im purple
no
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
