your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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