Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
