I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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