I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
