Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
