Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
