a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
