Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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