a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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