I swear she didn't look like that last week.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
