A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
