Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
