Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
