everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
