Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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