with your own penis?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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