We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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