He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
